spiritual adolescense

adolescence is a difficult time in every bodies life. When I remember back, Oh dear, it was difficult for me and I was difficult for others I think. Everyone seems to go through this period without exception, girls start growing their breasts, have their menstruation for the first time, total change of body and rearrangement of objectives. Boys have too big noses and the voice is breaking. One needs to find ones profile, and does a lot of nonsense. I did a lot of nonsense, my spanish nices do, my american nephew does and the children around here do. There might be variation in how dramatic or just stupid the ‘Quatsch’ (German for nonsense, I love this word and I use to love to do it 🙂


Then suddenly one day one has grown up, understands what the parents or other seniors have tried to get through for years.


Yesterday I had the idea that I might be in my spiritual adolescence 😀


I was such a enthusiastic spiritual child, now in my darn 7th year of being a nun, I feel like one of those half mature adolescents. Times are difficult, don’t want to be a conformist, need to find my own way (although according to the Buddha’s teaching), want rebellion against the establishment and do some Quatsch. It is funny to observe the mind in this state. Would be funnier if it were not my own mind. But sometimes I feel detached from it enough so that I can have a good laugh.


For the time being I should not teach but grow up.


Here in Kun Pang is no one to teach and no one to rebel against. So it seems it is the most suitable place for now. A.D. Is still a good companion. We go Pindabat on different routes and don’t share mealtime any more, only meet at dogs feeding times which is not much time to socialise or chat, the rest is free for mental proliferation.


I stopped doing tummo, or trying to do, I shall say. It was good to keep me busy and meditating in times when I really, really didn’t want to meditate any more. But there is so much stuff related and to practice before one can even start, and it doesn’t lead to enlightenment, so there is no point, really. It is interesting that it is quite easy to hold the breath for a minute and a half, two minutes is more difficult. It has excellent effects for one who needs help to empty the bowels, not good for me, though.


For Ajahn Suphan’s birthday I got a set of new robes and was very keen on wearing it, just wanted to dye it a bit darker. I ruined the pot and the set of robes which is now multi coloured, somehow. It is a very good object to observe attachment and the process of letting go.



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