I was pondering and writing a lot about love, the altruistic one, metta.
Before I write, imagine me sitting here giggeling when I think about it.
For my part, it feels that I am at the upper end of what is possible for me now. Since the mind is defiled, metta cannot be pure. The same holds true for the other paramis, qualities of the four Brahma viharas, like compassion and empathy and also for all the 10 perfections.
Compassion for example, I sometimes felt so sorry, even for a dying insect, I sometimes felt like I could cry and sometime did. Of course, I do safe even an insects life, if possible. It is compassionate. But the underlying tendency for this is fear of death. Fear is routed in all three: greed, hatred and delusion.
None of the paramis I tried to develop is without defilement. To all the disillusion I experience, this comes in addition. Even when I think I have only good intentions – the defilements linger underneath and sully the purity of the parami. No wonder I don’t want to see clearly any more when something frustrating like this is the result. What next? 🙂
What I have to develop more is upakkha, equanimity. Upekkha has to be consistent of metta, karuna and mudita (at least) otherwise it will be cold ignorance and metta, karuna and mudita (and others) have to be governed by upekkha otherwise they go out of hand. I have developed some patience and acceptance. One would not think that I once was a very passionate actress. But still, there are moments when the patience comes to an end. And then there is no more parami. When the dogs for example jump on me with their dirty feet on my alms bowl or robe and almost kick me over… aversion arises. Or, someone sprinkled me with water, willing or not doesn’t matter, I just stand there and develop khanti – but I would like to react in such a moment and take a playful revenge, laugh, squeak, sprinkle back, childish, just as they do it here on Songkrang, the Thai new year. That would be the end of upekkha.
Although I think that I came to the upper end of what is possible for me in regards paramis (at this present state of defiled mind), I will not give up training and practising them.