Stomach is better. It was really only a brief and not too bad episode.
On love again: The thing is – I love to love. I like liking. This is what I so far have lived for. I was and still am a sensual being. Not long ago I would have denied this and fortunately I learned to be restrained to a certain extend. But the tendency to be a sensual gourmet was and is there.
When I say ‘I love to love’ it is not meant necessarily love with sexual interest. This nun has no confessions to make in this regard. Totally boaring. Apart from the physical aspect, there is so much to love. Presently I don’t feel ready to let go of it in the way I lately I found out I would have to let go of it. I remember I came to this point earlier thinking I can’t stop loving my mum or my siblings as I love them. At that time I had read about an Arahant who happened to visit his family and called them in a very detached manner ‘householders’. I don’t want to feel the same for my mum as I do for every body else. I want to love my siblings and my friends and my teachers different than I love other people.
The past 5 years I walk through the world with the eyes watching the ground (well, often at least It would be a lie to claim I did it always). 6 years ago I read the Visuddhimagga, my then teacher said, either you follow and become a good monk or you run away. I tried to follow. The one story I refer to is that of a monk who always looks on the ground in order not to be distracted or getting involved by and in this world. First I thought that monk is an idiot but little by little I started to do the same. This year during the vassa I looked around and got distracted by the beauty of what I see and have even love for the swarm of mosquitoes. (They are outside of the kuti other side of the screen, guess I wouldn’t have the same love if they were swirling around my ears.)
So what to do now??? Here I sit giggeling, making faces to the dog at my feet who is watching me with detached mercy, closes his eyes, snores again and is wagging his tail a bit in his sleep. (I don’t like him much, this dog, but I do love him for certain.)