The monk left again yesterday for a week or so, it seems we are alternating the stay. When I’m gone he is here and when he’s gone I stay. For the first time since I am a mountain dweller I’m having stomach cramping and diarrhea. Why can’t this happen when someone is here? It is not going to be very bad. I am very well equipped with medicine thanks to Rumi and Nelson but I will not take it unless its getting worse.


Two monastics I know disrobed or will disrobe. I know both of them, not very well but enough to feel with them. Leaving institutional Buddhism …


Latest thoughts on that are: To disrobe because others are not behaving as they should, or because thinking, that institutional Buddhism is rotten and dies a slow, painful death is coming from a lot of anger. It becomes kind of auto aggression. It is more important to improve metta and compassion for those who struggle with living the holy life (that may include oneself). Our own or other peoples shortcomings should rather be an encouragement to do better instead of being a reason or excuse to leave the training.


As an actress on stage I learned one thing: When you fail you have to fail wholeheartedly and with grandezza, just give in to it. When you forget your line or your position or an important props, you can’t just leave the stage or hide crying in the corner cause everyone watches. You gotta be brave, aware and flexible,then you see your or your counterparts failure and start to improvise and get thus back into the play – and then it’s fun. When you see failure as disaster you will be stunned and stuttering.


It seems this is also applicable to ordained life.


So, one reason for me to disrobe is from now on excluded –



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