I have the to drop something. Have to drop love. Not a particular love to a particular person but love as the concept as I know it. If I keep it as it is I will never find to real unconditioned love, which would be full on metta, so to say. Loving some people more, like my family and friends, some less, like monks who try to seduce lay women. Dogs more than spiders, the big and nice kuti more than the small shabby, some monks more than others, a certain monastery more than others, a certain dog like my own child, a certain food, a certain place, time etc. etc.
I used to (love!) watch those Bollywood movies. Total Kitsch with love forever and so on, romantic and infinite as can be. (‘Jab Tak hai Jaan’ one of my favorites) Apart from the fact that I never met anyone strong enough to love like that, I know now that – being a nun – holding on to ideas like such kind of love is an obstruction to really fully love (that mettakindaluf) unconditionally. And I have to say I hate to see this so clearly 🙂
Not sure what to do next. Mediation, could be something worthwhile doing 🙂