the universe

Although my ‘meditation cushion is burning’ as they say here, when one avoids to meditate as is the case with me now, I do meditate. It is not that I entirely left it. But as earlier mentioned it has become difficult. Seeing clearly the things as they really are is a bitter pill to swallow. Not that I really can see clearly, as the Buddha or one of the Arahants but for as clear as I can see, it’s bitter enough, so to say.

My mind is not ready for that total clearness, for enlightenment. It is scary to see clearly, actually. Much easier and convenient to stick with the defilements and accept that enlightenment will not happen. (Not me though, another birth is unacceptable, although having defilements is easier and convenient.)

But sometimes meditation can still be much fun, breath goes smooth and the world as it is dissolves and there are just waves of different frequencies … The Universe, endless space… (Yes, I watched all Star teck series and movies 🙂

As a teen and twen, I had thequestion of: What happens when one does not bear it any more? 

There were so many monents when I thought I just don’t bear it any more, anything, life as such or that there is war, that people kill, steal, that men cheat women (and vice versa)… personal dramas etc, etc.

I thought I would go mad at some point but I never did (s0 far :)Suicide never was an option I would have considered seriously, so only going mad or drugging were left – and meditation! I think I was very very fortunate that I meditated from an quite early age on.  What happened was that the feeling of not being able to bear it wore off. Until the next drama. And I learned that life is just like that. And I learned to trust myself that I will not get mad and not a drug addict. 

But still suffering becomes so obvious that I ask my self:  ‘how can I possibly bear this?’ nowadays it is rather disenchantment, dispassion, disillusion… ‘How far can this go? Is really only enlightenment the releaf of it?  How can I be so happy in this despair?’



  1. Maybe the best that we can d is have faith in what Gautama Buddha set forth in his teachings. That release from the stresses that samsaric life presents is possible. That a true sense of contentment with life is possible by first identifying and then freeing ourselves of the causes and conditions that bring about this stress. I suppose we need to do this work of jhana as the Buddha admonished his monks to do. It is, as you say so well, not an easy path, but with the support of our practice and the kalyana mitta around us, we persevere, and have faith that this Path will free, us as it has for so many. Metta, Bhikkhuni Phalanyani, and thank you for your most interesting posts.

  2. perhaps, just know despair at the moment, this itself arises happy for the awareness and mindfulness presented. Have a happy meditation whatever mind and body experience the bitter feeling. Just notice that there are mindfulness and awareness, happy arises. Moreover, experience the anicca, how good it is. 🙂

  3. Don’t cling to the happy moments, don’t use meditation to overlook the bad things. Life is a continous rollercoaster of joy and suffering. When Neither of them gain your attachment, you get free. Much love and may your practice benefit all.

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