I sometimes thought that I should have seen the first sign and run. The first sign was when I first came to thailand in 2007, on the first day of my trip in Bangkok, in a monastery, a monk flashed me, I think I wrote about that earlier in detail. At that time I was so blind of faith in Buddhism that I didn’t run away but short after became a nun, 8 precepts. The faith is still there but not the blindness.
Seeing my own mind defiled, seeing the danger in faults, I try to have compassion with those monastics who break their rules because they are overwhelmed by the defilements. Sometimes I might walk on a fine line and might be close to breaking a rule, sometimes thoughts of desire or anger can be hard to resist. Personally, I think it is very important to be honest with oneself.
When a monk loves a woman, I do not judge but wish them well from all my heart. But if he breaks his rule because of this love, or if he just plays, I am about to lose temper.
A friend in a rich country far away from Thailand had met a monk from a poor country (not Thailand). He obviously wanted to escape the poor life of a poor monk in a poor country. He uses internet, they exchanged email and skype addresses and soon after he left the rich country, my friend received the monks mails and chats where he talks about love, about how beautiful and sexy she is, how they could have a physical relationship (I describe here in abstract words what reads as what would be known as ‘dirty talk’ or so).
I know love, I know desire, the falling for it, and there is nothing wrong even with dirty talk, – as long one is not a monk. Do I need to say that I know these things from before becoming a nun, especially the falling for love…
I felt like vomiting and crying when she told me about it. She was desperate because she never had a relationship and likes him. Can’t monastics not just disrobe before they do such things? Or become Zen priests or something like that where marriage and a sexual relationship is allowed.
This is really so … – well, I don’t have words for it.
A later addition:
I feel the urge to add that there are many good monks out there, like my teacher, his teacher and the monk I have the honor to stay in the monastery with.