It is difficult to sit down and meditate presently, difficult to look at my own mind because all I see are defilements and when one has been dissolved two others appear. Sometimes I wish I could be so deluded as before. ‘Ignorance is bliss’, I heard this once and in a way it is true.
I wriggle like an eel when it comes to meditation. I see my mind much clearer now during daily activities. I tried to shift awareness away from being mindfulness on the body to being mindful on the mind. I thought that would help with the meditation. It does in one sense, as I see the defilements arise more easy, but on the other side it makes it more difficult, as defilements are not what I want to see in my mind all the time.
I see also the defilements in others better yet it is by far easier to have metta with the others and forgive them shortcomings or having defiled minds. To have that same metta and compassion for myself and just accept that defilements are there, seems hardly ever possible.