no matter what!

a few days ago i noticed in walking meditation that the right foot is placed in an different angle than the left one and that this makes walking kind of imbalanced, although it seems i walk and sit quite upright, this is not the case. So I tried to mindfully correct the difference and walk with more equal steps. As a result new pain arouse. I know by now that when in sitting or walking changes in the common position are made it takes 3 – 5 days of strong pain, then the pain ceases and the body accepts the change.
Since yesterday the phase of strong pain is over. Some memories of the childhood flooded the mind with the last sharp stroke of pain and I was almost carried away by self pity for a while.
The knowledge that past is just past, past, past and only memory and thinking, thinking – this iis the powerful medicine the Buddha gave us to heal our minds. this together with the peacefulness of this place, the absence of construction sites and Thaipop music, the friendliness of the people makes every little now a vacation.
I’m happy to know that I can get into deep meditation when somebody breaks down walls next to me or next to a Karaoke party but it’s so relaxing not to have these hardships. When I feel like ants are creeping all over me i know its imaginary because here are no ants in the room.
Working on equanimity is much easier … Although I still do not get into real equanimous mind states. i start to understand the thai Ajahn’s “more effort” – it is needed with all patience and compassion for myself – to get away the sticky twines of the net of defilements.
One of the reasons why I started to put more effort into meditating surely was that i saw that old people get back to their youth and childhood in their minds. NOT THAT AGAIN! But i already kind of meditated as a child, as my teddy bear’s nose and smell as kasina, hours and hours and days and weeks. or mirror meditation, until i saw my self disappear and many many pictures of animals that i was passed in front of me in the mirror until there was nothing more, blank. my 1rst teacher wrote about me ‘Daniela dreams too much’ but i was not dreaming i tried to stop the rage, the rush. i sneaked out at night to run and run or ride bicicle.
Then i heard that the Buddha said there is a way out of suffering (our catholic religion teacher said so, she tried to make us think that this is absurd and people that don’t want to kill insects dangerous for all civilized counties) and i swore: ‘i’ll find it! no matter what!’.
So, here I am trying to fulfill a little girl’s vow. no matter what!

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