post scriptum

I have received an serious and probably acceptable response to my wish to ordain as Bhikkhuni and might be able to do so before the vassa. yep! Some conditions are to be checked but at least someone who is respected in the Sangha will accept my Mae Chii ship as equal to the required 2 year training. That’s a good news! Ha.
To be honest I don’t care any more if I’m Bhikkhuni or not. :o) If I can be this year, good, if not may it be so, I may ordain in one and a half year then – the suffering for it has ended. I’ve seen too many abuse of this precious state of existence and I will not be better than any of those who abuse it. So, keep the ball low, Phalañani.
I’m not shivering of cold anymore. Probably I was really sick. Good that I decided not to travel on to the desert and to north California. It’s a wonderful spring day, like spring in Mallorca. Mallorquin springs are marvelous. Although I haven’t seen the American part of my family since more then 10 years and even if I really wish to personally get to know some Bhikkhunis in the bay area, it’s time to stay where I am, rest and meditate. I learn to accept the limitations of an elderly body.
One thing I noticed during my trip: somehow, unknown, unnoticed I’ve lost the panic when it come to share a place to sleep. I shared room with 2 Bhikkhunis for several nights and in Hua Hin I slept in a sala with about 5 or 6 other people. Formerly I had a serious problem with that. Seriously serious. I just paniced, no discussion and the only solution could have been to either not sleep or leave. But I slept now, and at the moment of acknowledging the fact that room hast to be shared no panic arose. Impressive. This is a proof that meditation really works and one can overcome neuroses.
Not that I like sharing room now, if ever possible I will not do so and I will not do with a layperson, I guess.
Here I have a room for my own in a house that I share with laypeople, people who come to meditate. That’s not proper, not good (the house sharing, that they come to meditate is perfect, of course) . I have personally absolutely no problem with it, even to stay in a house with a man, if I weren’t a nun I would not even think that sharing a house with a man could be somewhat difficult. But I am a nun, and I understand why Buddha layed down this rule. Solution, I can lock the door and do get up before sunrise anyway and can go out before sunrise every 3 nights. Loopholes …

Last night I couldn’t sleep for a while, jetlag … I started thinking:
here I am, in this small room with two high and luxorious beds, laying on the floor between them, there I was hungry starving in the airplane and didn’t touch the wonderful vegetarian food in front of me. I was repeatedly told to wear shoes in america and I did (flipflops and socks), when i was sick, but it doesn’t feel right. Am I a silly nun? a fanatic? a sincere follower? do I have a tendency for selftorture or is it just because I try to follow the Buddhas path?

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