equanimity?

Fighting for equanimity. Tststs, that’s not the way to get there, phalañani.
1rst step: noting that what i thought to be equanimity earlier is mere indifference produced by pushing away all thoughts through concentration – with more or less effectivity.
Equanimity seems to be real peace of mind as a result of the acceptance of things as they are, a supramundane state of mind. While indifference is worldy, dealing with things as they come up by not letting them take hold in mind. Nice and cool satate of mind, but not truely equanimity.
As i found out earlier the present moment is void of ‘l’, ‘me’ and ‘mine’. It’s just the present moment. Therein is hearing or feeling, thinking bending, walking or wathever but no ‘I’. ‘I’ doesn’t like it.
Uaaaah! Fear arises. Mind is still playing tricks to undergo the determination that was made.
Walkingmeditation with 2 pairs of socks on blankets, that takes away the physical part of the pain in feet and knees.
Walking on wood or earth is much nicer, but if i will not become enlightened it’s not the fault of the tiles on the floor of the kuti i presently stay in, that’s clear.
Hihihi, there’s a monk with versace-slippers in my ‘front garden’ digging soil, putting some flowers.
Whatever may he do as he wants, it’s his karma.
Back to topic:
We think we are and try to manifest it. We cling on to this miserable existence in search for happyness, trying to understand whats going on. That makes us running around, chasing after some fun, after plans, after love etc. Until sometimes the question arises: ‘and, … This is It?’ then we start to investigate and after lots of time we find out that sweeping can just be sweeping, peaceful, perfect, a step can just be a step. No wanting and no before and no after.
But usually there is this wanting, the desires to be, to become, to have, then we go for it which is eventually a more or less subtle act of aggression and we do so because we do not know better, cause we try to defend this existence. Every ant does so, [i watch them since months, when they are hurt or it’s time to die they act just like a human. An actor can give a death scene better than any ant.], all people i know, i do, all dogs and cats i met do. That’s probably instinct. Just we humans have other than ants, dogs and cats the option to get over it, we can act without being driven by mere instincts. But men, that’s difficult. Because desire, aggression and delusion is so deeply rooted in our, or well at least in my mind. To eliminate the gross forms is quite easy, decision and action. [sais the expert of getting carried away by emotions :o)] Then there are finer forms and even more fine and sooo subtle that one may think there is no more root of desire, anger and delusion within me.
Last night i thought, as long as there is the disposition for desire, anger and delusion, there will be no equanimity, no peace. The mind has to be free from even this disposition, as for example a cows mind is free from the disposition to do tap dance, only then these defilements will not drive us.

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