calm

Got through the course quickly and worked on equanimity for some days. I’m having a different determination this time. Ajahn calls it ‘natural determination’. I continue 4 hours sleep and 10 – 14 hours practice.
This time it’s really going good and i hope i can at least keep the sleeping rythem and get the same results in meditation, when practicing only 6 hours and be mindful the rest of the time.
Ajahn confirmed my former thought that the 8 fold noble path is to be followed, not only mindfulness which is only one part of 8.
I still often struggle with equanimity. Although i am really peaceful sometimes, i know that it is only on the surface. I felt like a cool lake where formerly a volcano was active, but under the quiet surface it’s very vivid …
The chest and heart is opening. I have a tention in the left shoulder and a tendency to bend a litte to the left since i can think. Some days ago the chest cracked open again, today the shoulder. The heart seems to have grown. My faith in the Buddha and his teaching were hugh already now it’s enormous.
In some moments i feel incredibly much love and compassion. Where to put it? In a smile.
in other moments i see the defilements that are left. So many and i guess i only see the pieck of the iceberg.
Since more then 2 month i leave my room only for report, eating, and sweeping. [with very few excepcions like going to immigration office] under these circumstances it’s easy to calm down and control defilements.

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