impermanence of mind states

Did i say yesterday i’m ready to die. Well, for one heroic moment it was true, but reallity now is – i’m not.
One step ahead, two back.
Yesterday: going swiftly, in quick succession through some stages of meditation until coming to a certain point.
Today: no concentration no ability to observe breath or anything else and if i come to a cetain stage of peacefulness, then immediately my dog comes to my mind, after that i see other attachments and defilements. Which is obviously better than not seeing them, sure … But …
Ajahn almost laughed tears when i told him how my mind tricks me.
I told him again of the urgent feeling to ordain as bhikkhuni, again he laughed. I said: you can laugh, you are wearing the robes. He said he understands. Meanwhile i shall practice and behave like a monk and try to get rid of these defilements.

This morning i met a woman with whom i once shared taxi. She is from bangkok but comes here about 5 times per year. She was early preparing for almsgiving. When she saw me she donated some fruit and sweets to me, then other women, friends of her came and gave as well. So no lunch today but some almost-almsround-food. Later, when i left my room to sweep, someone donated medicine to me. I donated it to the bhikkhuni, when i came back someone gave me even more fruit and snack. Funny, i live far away from where almsfood is given, comes unusual and unexpected.
Enough now, back to the cushion.

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