ongoings

After working on the first 2 days on the same thing, i rushed through the next back and forth several times. No doubt, the wish to get out of the rounds of rebirth is very strong. But i don’t find enough equanimity always. Have to work on this harder. Still too tangled in this tangle.
Last retreats i saw much lobha kilesa, now i see more dosa.
Felt like an onion, if one peels away the laiars, on has to cry a lot but in the end there is nothing left, no core, no cry, no onion. Wonder how many laiars this nama-rupa-onion has. :o)
Ajahn asked me in my first reatreat of this vassa if i’m ready to die. I just laughed, knowing i’m not. Now i am. Not that i want to or have any intention to suicide – far away from that! But this ‘I’ that ego worm, may it rest in peace.
A monk was yelling at the kitchen nuns, i went and stood there silent, he dissapered but came back next day, yelled again, i went again, asked him a question aubout a completely different term to get him away from the kitchen, it turned out that he lyed to me when he answered.
It took me both times i was in contact with him a full set of walking and sitting meditation to get rid of the anger. I had some quite unwholesome thoughts the worst was: going and ask if menstruation didn’t come. Nasty! But i decided to say or do nothing at all except being mindful and friendly.
No more unwholesomeness may arise from the phalanyani-nama-rupa. A task i will fail to fulfille a lot, but one grows with the tasks, no?

This early morning i had 2 thoughts:
1. Instead of sitting and watching the leaves and dirt passing by i will go to the source, the well and clean it.
2. Letting go is an active process, one has to open the hand to release an item one holds on to and one has to open the heart to release the defilements.

Nadya was waiting at my door to bring back things that i gave her. I was again upset, but then found other people happy to have the things. She’s on course as well. May she find freedom.

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