2. retreat

1. 2 hours sleep 15 meditating, no brandnew insight, just observing the arising and dissapearing of the breath and other internal or extrenal, through the sensedoors entering phenomena.
not tired at all.

2. 2 hours sleep, 14 meditation, dissolution – perfect fitting for meditation oject, at home jens is giving and throughing away all my things at home, home is given up.
thinking of my dog. suffering through love.

3. 4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, very tired, don’t want to get up, cocentration bad, thinking about nonsense, about poor jens working hard at not-home-anymore, about dog, about where to go after vassa. wanting to ordain as bhikihuni, now.

4. 4 hours sleep, 14 meditation, exhausted, perception blurred, floor seems to move, feeling i cant go to the diningroom because either my head will fall into the plate and i’ll snore loud or i strart to cry or to laugh hysterically. went to pindabat to offer my soymilk to the bhikkhuni, she gave me black chocolate and tea.
everything ok after breakfast, strong again.

5. 4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, thought i got rid of a difilement, was pround of it and noticed as a result that i have looots of them, more then i thought before. when i told ajahn, he smiled and said: “good, GOOD! not the defilements, but to see you have it, work harder now”. i don’t know how, i feel like a wrack already sometimes, but yes, i still have some hidden recources of energy.

6. 2 hours sleep, 16 meditation, i’m at my limits, but as i realized limits are deluded-mind-made. seeing all those defilements is absolutely discourageing. later: i don’t have to root them out one by one, i just have to go straight for nibbana, then they vanish all at once. so don’t waste time lamenting, phalanyani. and anyway defilements are just a theater play, a fool who belives it’s true.

7. 3 hours sleep, 14 meditation, while meditation, peace, no wanting, no other defilement but going out of meditation all comes back to mind, wanto to get out of this room with people so close, want a separate kuti, want to go on almsround, want to be allowed to live the real holy life.
now find patiance, phalanyani.

8. 3 hours sleep, 14 meditation, this must be real equanimity. such a peace during meditation, absence of all that may bother – not all day and night but for some hours. ajahn sais: defilements are like the dangerous beings in the ocean, equanimity is sitting in a boat on the surface of the ocean and not being bothered by the oceans dangers.

9. no sleep, meditating all time available, but need some breaks. it’s easy this time, feet hurt from walking so many hours but apart from this condition is good. perception changed, i see everything in short pictures like seeing a movie in its single pictures instead of seeing it as one flow. makes me feel dizzy. smells and sounds are extremely intense, almost painful. ajahn is encourageing with a fatherly loving smile.

10. no sleep, meditation as much as possible, feel calm, clear, peaceful, tall, relaxed but know of the impermanence of this state of mind.

postscriptum
next day wanting a separate kuti is back right away but much more relaxed. i know i don’t need it, and it’s only 2 months left. the wanting is a good meditation object, cause i know feeling uncomfortable here is mindmade and has nothing to do with the rooms, they are good – just not lonely and secluded.
went to almsround to give some tea to ajahn and bhikkhuni. my eyes are filling with tears – i miss wearing my monksrobe, feeling naked without it, and miss going on almsround – what holy life i’m living: like a thief.

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