1 retreat

1. 6 hour sleep, 12 meditating, arising of the hope to have a super-kuti and vanishing of that hope. stomachache since days, today vomits.

2. 6 hours sleep, 12 meditating, saw dea of my bodie’s cells, dream about the world breaking apart, i have to jump and fly to get out of danger, pain in legs while walking, fear to continue course, going on means dying, everything vanishes, just not my defilement all i can do is subpress them, again vomits, wish i could vomit mentally to get rid of defilements, itching, pain on head, is someone drilling a hole in it? some selfpity start to cry, only short, then peace.

3. 5 hours sleep, 10 meditation, very calm and peaceful, knowing i have to leave everything and everyone behind to go further, short fear not to be able to, stomach pain, saw my grand ma, mother’s mother she is a deity, burst out in tears and had goosescinall over, she said she saved my life twice since i’m in thailand, i thought it was more often. got a big hug from a vietnamise bhikkhuni who i don’t know, angry about anatta, be a samurai and cut off all defilements

4. 4 hour sleep, 12 hours meditation, i see the danger in everythin, told ajahn, he can call me bhikkhu, descouraged, i never will get rid of defilements, pain in back, itching all over, bad concentration, want to give up, all wanting, not wanting, hoping must be eliminated, only way for now is subpress defilements
yes! i can get rid of them

5.4 hours sleep, 12 meditation, maybe i’m too weak, cocentration is bad, slept while sitting, moved between faith and the fear that i cannot advance and will end up as a grumpy, bitter old nun.letting go wanting makes me feel light until i think of my dog, i’ll love it even if i never see it again, have to become a bhikkhuni, felt someone held a gun on my forehead and shoots, live leaves body, feels easy. ajahn askes are you ready to die, i sai, no.

6. 4 hours sleep, 10 hours meditation, noting of everything very difficult, impatience, pain, itching

7. 4 hours sleep 14 meditation, bad concentration in the evening, feeling changed in the morning,concentration strong, peace and faith, pain moderate only some cutting strong pain attaces in shoulder and feet. laa comes to meet me and brings some stuff from wat suan pa. sand running through the fingers, there is nothing in this world worth clinging onto as me or mine. no panic when i think of distatch from my dog, i can see it again, when i’m not attached anymore.

8. 4 hours sleep, 14 meditating, peace, equanimity, clam,

9. 0 hours sleep, wanting hahaha 24 meditation, have to relax, 20 hours is good enough. walking sometimes difficult at night, take the umbrella as support, in the early morning strike, no tiredness anymore, no pain or anything else bothering.

10. 0 hours sleep, 18 meditation, easy, determination to continue with 2 hours but not more then 4 for as long as possible, i want to work on cessation and make it more reliable. ajahn is very pleased, praises the work done and i can continue to come to see him for report.

11. 2 hours sleep, 10 hours meditation, some internet. dissolution of home is the next project. poor jens how has the work. i’m calm, cool, have fun to let home go. ajahn sets me on the next course. same procedure – again through all this. don’t want but it has to be done, i suffer from a bad desease calld samsara, the symptoms – some ugly defilements, are causing pain. go through these retreats is the only cure, may it be bitter and hard to take.

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