obstacles

3 days ago a nun died and ceremonies are held daily, today the final one.
last night ajahn tong came to the ceremony and gave a talk. he is in his 80ties but was quite vivid last night. he recognized me but couldn’t remember that he knows me because i ordained with one of his monks.
some say ajahn tong is an arahant. wether or not – his presence is touching, makes you go to ground and do devoted prostrations easily, gives faith, fills the surrounding with loving kindness, similar to the bhikkhuni who lives here [but she almost never leaves her hut]. may they both live long, may their pains and deseases cease and may they die a peacful death when time comes.

thinking about becoming bhikkhuni goes on. the main obstacles as far as i can see now are the rules to travel alone and to stay somewhere alone. unlike most other people i prefer to travel and go amongst villages alone [with exceptions, like in an islamic country, in a parc at night, or some special people who like traveling alone as well].
the aspect to have to stay with another person for the rest of my live is a plain horrorvision. the buddha ment this rule for the women’s safty, sure! and sharing a forest, a house or a monastery is not the probem. the problem is to be obliged, to not just be off to where the wind blows me without anybody else involved. guess men do understand what i’m talking of better then women.
all other rules incl. the eight heavy rules are much easier to accept and realize.
i could not even go back and stay with lumpoh at wat suan pa without another woman. but women don’t want to stay there, conditiones are too rough.
i’m really not sure how to solve this [other then not ordaining as bhikkhuni]. on the other hand, a solution always comes and if it’s only that i learn to accept [knowing it is just another caprice of an ego that fights for it’s survival] or to find a nun who is a bhikkhu at heart.

i more or less gave away my option for the nice kuti, silly nun! the monastery is overcrowded, the kuti is big and can be shared, the room i’m in is small and dark, cannot be shared. i told the responsible monk he may do as he please and put me where i don’t have to share. it seems as if he is playing games with me telling i have to share, i have to move, to stay, to wait, to share, wait, move … lurking if i show any sign of anger. so far there is non. but i already start to regret that i came here.

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