confession: sleeping

The 5th day in a row that i dont’t hear the alarm in the morning. I’ve set three alams, at 4:00 to get up, at five, to finish meditation at 6:15 to go on almsround. I usually don’t change it, so it is every day the same routine.
four mornings i haven’t heard the 4 o’clock alam. Today i woke and got up at 4 but fell asleep again while meditating, i noticed that my body slipped aside and slept until ten minutes to six.

In the evening it is incredible difficult to stay awake until ten, these day’s. And around midday i have to really concentrate not to nap.

Maybe it has to do with the heat.

6 days ago i made the resolve not to experience cessation anymore, not to experience what i already did experience but to gain knowledge of the higher path. After that i had a quite strong knock-out for an hour which kept me happily awake all night. Since the day after that, i could sleep where i go and stand.
I try to be very mindful, but things i touch are slipping out of my fingers as if they were full of greese. Fork, broom, nails, hammer, phone, flashlight, everything falls. As if something wants to tell me: “there is nothing in this world you can get a hold on or that you can keep”. I just had to give in,”Yeah, right, i know, well,well, that’s how it is.”
But then my stomace is crumping, i don’t feel sick, more like being deeply in love and expecting the loved one to come every moment.
Nooo, i’m not in love.
Today i noticed at least, that the work on equanimity i did the last days is bearing fruit. I’m not getting nervous or angry with me or things, just note, seeing nails fall, getting down, searching nails, … pooring hot water, burning pain on leg, …

Wonder if all this is a wave from the resolve.
Maybe it’s just too hot for anything else than sleep.


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