New year

3 holidays in a row. It’s thai new year on 15th of april, celebrations start today. Again villagers came to clean the templeground and the Buddhahall. Lumpoh is practicing chants, on the 15th we’re going to have a ceremony here.
Last night i decided to no push so hard anymore. I will not do little sleep or no sleep sessions for some time. Think i will not advance like this any further for now. Probabely i should work more on momentary concentration and on moral conduct.
First because i was thinking a lot these days. When I started to learn vipassana meditation i was told that i meditate as if with a hammer while (strong concentration through long zen practice) vipassana) (momentary, not fixed concentration) is like playing piano. I had learned in the meantime to play piano but since i’m on my own, i took the hammer again, just in case. Trying to play piano with a hammer, phalanyani, phalanyani, … tz,tz, don’t, silly nun.
Intense and steady practice, enough rest, 6 hours sleep.
Second because there are defilemants which will not allow to advance further, there is still the pride, it’s a tricky one, it covers itself with humbleness. Then i noted greed. One example:there is a woman, who comes every once in a while to almsround. She gives very good and plenty food. I got over it that she does not come everyday anymore,as she did in the beginning. now she came and ask to stay for practice with me for a while. And one of my thoughts (not the only though) was, if this eventually will have an impact on almsfood giving.
I feel ashame to have such a thought.
I have, after month, not jet given up ownership on a couple of things that were left after one of our moves. Manly a few books and my first robe. And today, while they were cleaning the Buddhahall, they put “my” meditation” cushion, a flat mat like monk use, on Lumpoh’s place. I got in there and took off the cover of it to wash it. While doing so i had in mind, to put this cushion back to my place. Which is so narrow minded and poor . Oh, oh. Any thought about these cushions is absolutely a waste of time, I’m the only one using the Buddha hall anyway, except on day’s like day after tomorrow.
And i (eventually) killed a being. It was in the toilet, a waterworm, no idea how it got in there, I saw it while brushing my teeth, and thought about what to do, because i wanted to use the toilet. When i looked for the next time it was not there anymore. And i used the toilet. Which is probably proper to do, because eventually this is a being that lives and grows in toilets and drenages. what was not proper in terms of moral conduct, was the thought “i will use toilet quick, before i’ll see this worm again and have to start to get it out of there and find it a new home, i rather prefer to go to bed.”

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