dissolution

Today’s theme to reflect on was the dissolution, the vanishing of all phenomena.
enough input came from samsara and out of my memories.

Today i feel very fragile and this morning i had the feeling everything is breaking apart. Lonelyness, feeling left alone.
4 days ago a tick bite me in the ear. It still hurts and the lymphsystem is swollen and hurts. But i have no headace and no fever, so it’s probably not a meningitis.
in earlier days, at the buddhas time such a little tick bite could have ment death and i took my shower as if it was the last.
the scorpion in my bathroom, a small, black one – i’m not shure if they’re deadly poisonous but they are very poisonous – reminded me to remain very, very mindful.
i started to be very grateful that i’m happy, healthy and strong and could overcome this feeling of selfpity that i had in the morning.

My live is somehow close to death and it sacres me more to become an invalid dull than to die of a tickbite.

When i s a child my father often talked to me about death. He was afraid but faszinated of it and as a result i created “mind-friend”, toto, my personal death, and spoke with him about everything important.

What to do if this was my last day?
a helpful question.

I was a couple of times close to death in this life. It started with my birth. I had the navalstring 7 times around the neck and i first started breathing when they had lost hope. [nasty baby :o)] that’s what my mother told, i can’t remember.
but i do remember to have been strangulated by a classmate. He was tall and strong, i was not. He pushed me down, sat on my stomac and strangled my neck with both hands. I didn’t do anything, couldn’t, just observed panic, not being able to breath, than suddenly no more fear, accepting.
But as you know, i’m still alife and rather happy about this fact, cause only as humans we can achieve enlightenment, the buddha tought.
Don’t waste time phalanyani, there’s much work left.

Sidenote: we had a pink/violet sky this morning while pinabat, marvelous.

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