mothers

the letter, ment to be the christmas and seasons greeting, arrived. With pictures of the-still-my-dog dana. With care ppared from my mother.
pain, pain, pain. missing. wanting to see. The dog, of corse, not the mother. I’m used to not to see my mother since many years.
One day later her phonecall catched me in midst of meditation. We talk once per month, or so. usually i don’t answer, when i’m meditating.
She has backpain, pain in her legs and can not walk very much. She cannot keep the dog more than one year. [which is over in 5 months.]
I feel struggeling. Can i give up robes because of a dog? Can i break the promise i gave to always take care that it will have a chance to be reborne as human?
I wander how a mother of a human child is able to leave children behind to ordain. Good that i don’t have children!
I can’t have it here because i’m not allowed to take it with me into my room. But more important – i do not have financial recources to feed it proper and to make shure that it will not have all the dog’s deseases all dogs around here have.
I gave up all inshurances for myself and i don’t want to go to doctors or take medicine if not absolutely necessary. But i went to see the veterinary when he dog had a little cough …
At least i can catch myself and am not overwhelmed by worries and thoughts of the dog but i have to find a solution. And i need to make a decision: nun or not nun, that is the question.

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