back home

a few days back home in Spain. back from a a two month trip to thailand where i spent most of the time in a forest monastery.
to be able to go there i quit my job, a miserable job, more a slave then a secretary. but it was a job to learn humbleness, nessecary after being spoiled by my avocation as actrice.

now, back to a place that i missed the last two month, i wander what i am doing here. shure, i should find a new job as quick as possible. know that, yes, yes.

but before i left thailand i was asked to become a nun.
live the holy life.
be careful when you ever go on a meditation course! it might change your life.

i meditated since long, no problems with sitting, no pain, strong concentration … but not really an advancement. so i decided to go on retreat.
when i did it, i wanted to leave, wanted home. faught against ego which is very strong. ego faught against mind that wished to become a better being.
a fight with no winner but to be faught until both, ego as well as mind understand that fighting is not the way that leads to peace and freedom.

become a nun, imagine this, i would have laught out loud before i went to thailand. (albeit, i thought of it many,many times since years) thought: next life maybe. this life is to be enjoyed (ok. i dont drink alcohol, dont smoke, dont go out at night … but still there is much to enjoy). love my home, the dog dana the cats katzu and manju, the garden, neighbours, the little village i`m living in and last but not least the dear friend i am living with.

still i love this all and reason says, stay where you are and enjoy what you have and desreve, heart says: farewell, beloved.

we`ll see.

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